"Children cannot have too much companionship, talk, play and laughter, too many smiles and hugs, even too many presents and treats, provided they are freely given because parents want them to have them."

Penelope Leach, Psychologist
"This seminar gave me some good insight. I now have hope to be the parent I want to be! Thank you!"

Aurelia Johnson
Redding, CA

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Q & A's

Have a question for Dr. J that you don't see here?  Click here to ask him.

A question concerning a F.A.M.I.L.Y. guarantee:
 

Question- Is the FAMILY Rules system guaranteed to work with no more problems in a situation where no system of discipline was in place - just chaos?
Answer- No more problems? Wherever you find human parents and children, I guarantee you will find problems. However, if you correctly and consistently implement FAMILY Rules in your home (i.e., “the two ‘C’ words”), you will find that the chaos will diminish to a relatively sane level of tolerance. Don’t forget the stalled car analogy mentioned earlier in the book.

Questions about corporal punishment:
Question- Should a parent put spanking on the list of rules, reserving the right to implement this?
Answer- No! I made it pretty clear, earlier in the book, that FAMILY Rules is for children from Kindergarten through the 12th grade. These children are too old to spank! Time outs and limited spanking (i.e., one to three light swats on the rear without using an object -don’t leave marks or bruises) are appropriate for children from age two through preschool. Once they reach kindergarten, don’t spank them anymore! FAMILY Rules will help to correct their behaviors if you implement the system correctly and consistently (i.e., “the two ‘C’ words”). Check out your state laws and/or consult with your attorney about spanking.
Questions about good habit cards:
Question- My wife and I were under the impression that the kids only received one card or cards, depending on what we set, if they do not complete their chores.
Answer- Most families give one card per incomplete chore. Some families choose to give two good habit cards per incomplete chore.
Question- Are we to give a card or cards per chore left incomplete?
Answer- Yes!!! Most families give only one card per incomplete chore.
Question- What if someone pulls a card, then someone else breaks a rule and pulls the same card? Can we put it back?
Answer- When a good habit card has been pulled and completed, place it in the discard pile. No one else should be able to pull this card again until the rest of the cards have been completed and end up in the discard pile. When all the cards have been completed and are placed in the discard pile, re-shuffle them and start all over again.
Question- What if someone has all 50 cards, and then somebody else breaks the rule?
Answer- Give the second offender their good habit cards from the stack of 50 cards. Once they have been completed, put them back into the stack of 50 cards. The individual who has 50 cards to do will still have to do all 50 cards. So what if some of the cards were just done! The toilet, stove, or kitchen floor can’t be cleaned too many times.
Question- If the parent feels that on one occasion too many good habit cards were given, is it appropriate next time to decrease the number of good habit cards given?
Answer- One of the great things about the FAMILY Rules system is it tends to limit the influence of emotions on parent’s decision about discipline. Please take note that nowhere in the “Mechanics of FAMILY Rules” section did you read where a parent’s “feelings” play a role in determining how many cards a child receives or doesn’t receive. Once again, the number of good habit cards are predetermined and placed within the parenthesis next to the numbered rules. When a child or adult breaks the rule, he or she receives the number of good habit cards adjacent to the rule. No more and no less. Please implement FAMILY Rules the way you were taught and don’t deviate from the program because of the way you feel. If you allow your feelings to dictate your decisions, then you will undermine your own authority. Also, if you give one child a break, the other children will want breaks too. If you don’t give them the same break, then you will be accused of favoring one child over another. Just stick with the program and set your feelings aside. Remember, you are conducting business. Parenting business.
Question- Is it okay to start low, like 1 or 2 good habit cards, and gradually increase the number of cards with each offense?
Answer- Yes and no. As I stated in a previous answer, please start off low and work your way up from there. However, you should not increase the number of cards with each offense. You should give your children time to see if their behaviors settle down. If a certain rule continues to be broken after some time has lapsed, then consult with your spouse and increase the number of cards. Remember, you both have to be in agreement before you raise the number of good habit cards.
Question- Because some chores need to be done more often than others, can the parent substitute chores when good habit cards are drawn?
Answer- Yes, but only when a “Wild Card” is drawn. Otherwise, stick to the good habit cards drawn. Please remember to implement the FAMILY Rules system correctly and consistently. Don’t deviate from the program for the sake of convenience. Remember, if you choose to have the rule, “Do what you’re asked to do immediately without complaining,” on your list, then you can simply ask them to do the chore. Also, don’t forget to make up a list of daily and weekly chores.
Question- Is it okay to have more than 50 good habit cards in a stack?
Answer- Yes. You can have 500 good habit cards in a stack. However, no child or adult can ever have more than 50 cards total. I learned about 800 families ago that more than 50 cards is seen by children as too deep of a hole to dig themselves out.
Question- If we as parents have a hectic schedule, can we set a time limit when we need the cards done?
Answer- No. As I explained earlier in the book, the children are now in charge of whether or not they are grounded and for how long they are grounded. When they choose to break a rule or not get their chore done, they are choosing to ground themselves. When they are grounded, they have two choices: (1) Get their good habit cards done right away, or (2) Stay in their room until they choose to leave their room and complete their good habit cards. Please don’t allow your hectic lifestyle to undermine your parenting priorities. Cut back on your schedule if it is interfering with your most important responsibility - your kids.
Question- Are children allowed to do their good habit cards when it is bedtime?
Answer- No. If they still have good habit cards at bedtime, then the cards carry over to the next day. Don’t allow your children to manipulate their bedtimes. This will motivate them to get their cards done before bedtime.
Question- What is the difference between breaking the rules and pulling good habit cards and not completing chores and pulling good habit cards?
Answer- When a child breaks a rule, they are to receive the predetermined number of good habit cards found in the parenthesis adjacent to the numbered rule. When a child does not complete a chore, they normally receive one good habit card per incomplete chore. A few families decide to give two good habit cards per incomplete chore.
Question- Should we have a total of 55 cards in the deck, including wild and grace cards?
Answer- Yes. There are a total of 50 cards in a deck that can be completed. This number includes the “Wild Cards.” The “Grace Cards” are an additional five cards to the deck and therefore the total number of cards in the deck is 55. But, you can’t do a “Grace Card” because it simply lets the child or adult off the hook for that particular card.
Question- If you have limited ways to get good habit cards, can you change the rules to allow daily/weekly chores to acquire good habit cards?
Answer- As previously explained in the book and in this question and answer chapter, most families give one good habit card per incomplete chore. A few families choose to give two good habit cards per incomplete chore.
Question- If you have multiple cards, but you get a grace card, should your cards be cancelled?
Answer- No. If you receive five good habit cards and one of those cards is a “Grace Card,” then you only get off the hook for that one card. You still have to do the other four cards.
Question- What if the child writes or scribbles on a good habit card?
Answer- Messing with the FAMILY Rules system in any way results in the child receiving all 50 cards. They are not to mess with the lists, cards, or chips! No! No!
Question- We feel that we should keep the Good Habit Cards in a locked box (i.e., Chained to the cupboard) lest they be rearranged when we're not looking. Also, when she draws her cards we also keep them in our possession, lest she 'accidentally' lose them, and we forget how many and what they were. We're working with more than one kid here. Have other's done similiar things? Medford, Oregon
Answer- Sounds like there's a lack of trust thing going on here. Yes, other parents have lacked trust in their kids too. FAMILY Rules is a flexible system and you most certainly may keep the cards out of the reach of your children. Also, you should always be present when they draw their cards. If you ever think that they might have arranged the cards before they draw them, simply shuffle them in their presence before you allow them to draw their Good Habit Cards.
Question- When our daughter didn't complete her chores on time, at first we thought she was suppose to just stay in her room which made her really happy. We checked your book and gave her a card for not finishing on her chore on time. So rather than have her stay happily in her room, we set another time limit to complete the chores. She made some progress but didn't finish (read books in her room rather than finish cleaning it), earned another card. We gave her another time limit, a little more progress.....another card, etc., on and on. (We're still in this as I write.) Do you just keep giving new chore time limits, cards every half hour (as in our case)? If she ever finishes her chores, does she start her cards? She's not refusing to do it, but she's the queen of dragging something out. We just want to do this Consistently and Correctly. Thanks! Meford, Oregon
Answer- Thank you for asking this question. I would be more than happy to provide clarification for you and for all the other people who will read this too. In summary, when a daily or weekly chore is not completed on time, you are supposed to give them a card and make them do their daily or weekly chore immediately. They don't get to sit around in their room waiting to do their daily or weekly chore whenever they want to. Rather, they MUST do their daily or weekly chore immediately. Once they complete their daily or weekly chore, then they will have two choices pertaining to the Good Habit Card they have in their hand due to not completing their daily and weekly chore on time: (1) Do their Good Habit Card immediately (provided it is not bed time); or (2) She may stay in her room for 15 years if she wishes. However, if she stays in her room, she may only lay on her bed, do her homework, clean her room, or engage in parent approved reading (and hopefully the parent approved reading will be some pretty boring stuff). Hint! Hint! I appreciate your enthusiasm for wanting to implement FAMILY Rules "Correctly and Consistently" in your home. Keep up the great work!
Question- We started the program on Saturday and our daughter has been in her room doing parent approved reading since then. This situation arose over refusal to do her chores. She refuses to clean her room, has gained all 50 cards (her goal) and something doesn't feel quite right. Is it correct that she still gets to go to school, church, Tuesday night Karate, Wednesday night AWANA, Thursday night Karate, as long as she's in her room the rest of the time, not cleaning her room? In the past we used Karate, or whatever as incentive, to get it done and it worked. Tonight, "Day 5" of being in her room, she came singing down the stairs, "I'm ready for Awana!" Somehow it seems there's a loophole here. Her life is better than ever. Help!!! Rogue River, Oregon
Answer- Please remember that I had a 16 year old female client who chose to stay in her room for 6 months. She thought her parents would give up eventually if she stayed in her room long enough. Here are the "loop holes" you were talking about: (1) She's only allowed to go to school activities that she is directly participating in. Karate is not a school function. It's a private lesson/school. Therefore, she can't go to Karate as long as she has cards to do; (2) She is only allowed to go to church, as in worship services while she is grounding herself to her room. She is not allowed to go to fun youth group activities such as AWANA or youth group retreats; and (3) you may be allowing her to read fun stuff rather than boring books under the direction of "parent approved reading". Make sure that what she is reading is as exciting as a bowl full of shredded wheat. Tighten the thumb screws by cutting out Karate and AWANA. She will start doing her cards. Last but not least, don't forget that she can stay in her room as long as she wants so stop counting. Sounds like you're more concerned about "Day 5" than she is. She won't stay in there forever. If she's like any other kid, she will eventually want her social life back. Keep on keeping on!
Question- How do you feel about a friend helping your child do their good habit card(s) so they can go out and play sooner? I've let my child's friend help with the "make a batch of cookies" card, and have had them count the jumping jacks or sit-ups for me, but nothing bigger. Should I just keep it at that?
Answer- Very good question. If we are talking about one card or a couple cards, it's no problem to let your young child's friend help. Sounds like a good way for your child's friend to learn the importance of obedience and discipline. On the other hand, if we are talking about lots and lots of cards, then "No way, Hosea!" Send your child's friend home and invite them back when your child has completed all of their cards. Sounds like you're okay doing it the way you're doing it. Please remember, there is room within "FAMILY Rules" for parental wisdom and discretion.
Question- When two or more rules are broken at once, are you supposed to add the number of cards, or pick the most appropriate offense and give them the card for that ammount? An example- one of my children gets angry and kicks the other one, is that considered breaking rule #5, #7, or both? I just want to be clear before I implement. I have a seven year old with anger problems and when he gets angry he often breaks rules 2-3 at a time. Thank You K.S.
Answer- When two or more rules are broken, the cards should be given out for all the rules that were broken. In criminal cases, offenders more often than not are charged with more than one crime (i.e., "the real world"). In a similar way, a child or parent who breaks more than one rule will receive all the associated cars adjacent to each numbered rule(s) that were broken. Last but not least, on special occasions, the parent can utilize their parental wisdom to cut the child some slack when the parent realizes that "GRACE" is necessary in the particular case. Just pretty please make sure that you don't become an enabling parent by extending "GRACE" all the time.
Question- My daughter's daily chore is to take her dog out as soon as they both wake up. She is also to make a meal for the family every Tuesday evening. If she has chosen not to do her good habit cards (i.e., grounded to room) for breaking a rule or just has several cards to do, which does she do? The daily chore (i.e., cook the meal) or finish all good habit cards first?
Answer- Your daughter always has to do her chores first. She doesn't get to use the cards as an excuse to avoid doing her chores (i.e., walking the dog or cooking dinner, etc.).
Question- What do you do when traveling? Do we have a seperate system for traveling? We don't take along cleaning supplies when staying in a hotel. Most of our good habit cards involve our home, yard, car, etc.
Answer- While traveling, you can always find things for kids to do at a friend's home or relative's home. While staying at a hotel, the management is usually tickled to pieces when they actually run into parents who are willing to discipline their children while on vacation. Therefore, ask the management if your child can clean windows, sweep the walk way, pick up garbage in the parking lot, etc. Let the manager know that you will supervise your child. I had some parents that did this while vacationing in Hawaii and the management provided the cleaning supplies with pleasure. Also, don't forget that "GOOD HABIT CARDS" are more than just cleaning chores. "GOOD HABIT CARDS" can also involve exercising, board games, essays, reading books, talking with grandma on the phone, etc. Be creative. You'll find stuff for your children to do. By the way, when they know you'll find stuff for them to do, they're usually pretty well behaved because they don't want you to find stuff for them to do.
Questions about RAK chips and reward tokens:
Question- Can we put a limit on RAK chips?
Answer- Yes. However, lean in the direction of graciously rewarding your children for their kindness. All too often, parents naturally focus on their children’s negative behaviors while taking their children’s positive behaviors for granted. Let them know you appreciate their Random Acts of Kindness.
Question- How many rewards should be on the list, and can we have a separate rewards list for each child?
Answer- There is no minimum or maximum number of rewards required on the list. It’s up to you. You need to determine how much time and financial resources you have available to provide the rewards. Yes. You may have separate reward lists for your children.
Question- Reading through the book, I noticed a few things that were not mentioned. My question for you is we have not been giving the kids RAK chips for daily chores. You never mentioned it (or we don’t remember) so I want to know if we should initiate this practice?
Answer- No. Doing their daily and weekly chores and not breaking the rules is rewarded with a daily FAMILY Rules token at night time just before they go to bed. Give your children RAK chips for Random Acts of Kindness - not daily and weekly chore requirements (i.e., our seven year old daughter made the bed for her nine year old brother because he flew out of the house this morning. She did it out of the kindness of her heart without being asked. She gets a RAK chip. He gets cards when he gets home for not completing his chore).
Question- If we do initiate this practice, do we give them any reminders (refer to question #1)? Can we substitute a reminder for a RAK chip or vice versa?
Answer- No. Please remember to correctly and consistently implement the FAMILY Rules system as explained. Deviations from the organization and structure of FAMILY Rules cause the program to collapse.
Question- Should we reward a child with good grades with a second child who has learning disabilities?
Answer- Once again, FAMILY Rules is flexible - not rigid. You can write rules that apply to both of your children’s unique learning abilities as you see fit. Just make sure that you are both in agreement before you write down the rule.
Questions about strikes:
Question- If the child is defiant and not willing to comply with the rule, at what point in time does that become a strike?
Answer- When a child continues to defy a parents authority over an extended period of time, they are pushing their luck and may receive a strike. Please go back to “R” and read the difference between a strike and a bad hair day. Also, check out the information on pop-flies. In a nutshell, if a child makes it clear via their body language, words, and actions that Honolulu, Hawaii will freeze over first before they will obey their mom and dad, then they will receive a strike. Consult with an objective third party before giving your child a “strike.”
Question- If a child has earned Strike One (i.e., They are in their room for one week followed by all 50 cards), what are the consequences for not obeying in their roomduring the one week?Rogue River, Oregon
Answer- Very good question. If a child is suppose to be serving one week in their room for a STRIKE ONE before they can come out and do their 50 cards, but they aren't complying with the four things they can do while they're in their room (i.e., Lay on bed, Clean room, Homework, and/or Parent approved reading), then it is time to consult with each other (and your child's counselor if they have one) about the possibility of a STRIKE TWO. Obviously, it would be a good idea to sit down together as a UNITED PARENTAL UNIT and discuss the possibility of a STRIKE TWO with your child (i.e., A STRIKE TWO is one step closer to going away to Long-Term Residential Treatment). If STRIKES are not enough to cause your child to wake up and smell the "FAMILY Rules" bacon, then they need more intensive residential treatment. Please remember if you have to send your child off to treatment, it doesn't mean that you failed as a parent nor does it mean that FAMILY Rules failed. It simply means that you're taking the next loving and logical step necessary to get your child the help he/she needs. Keep up the great work!
Question- hile my daughter is in her room with a STRIKE, is it alright if she stands in her bedroom (now doorless) doorway which overlooks the living room and socialize with the peolple downstairs? I assume that she is to be basicly ostricized from family interactions to make it more miserable for her but I wanted to make sure. Are we still the 'friendly cashier conducting business" or the firm enforcer? She also keeps sneaking books into her room. Thanks!!! Rogue River, Oregon
Answer- When a child has a STRIKE, they are only permitted to (1) Lay on their bed, (2) Do their homework, (3) Clean their bedroom, and/or (4) Do parent approved reading. That's it and nothing more. If your child is standing in the door way and attempting to communicate with others, this is most definitely an act of rebellion against your authority and against the rules of FAMILY Rules. Here's an idea: Don't allow others outside the room to socialize with her (i.e., Make it a Good Habit Card offense if anyone socializes with her while she's in her room). By the way, you are always supposed to be the "friendly cashier" while enforcing the rules. Finally, gather every book in the house and put them in your bedroom or some other secure area. Do not allow her access to any books from anywhere in the house. Your bedroom has now become the Family Library. Once again, as stated at the FAMILY Rules seminar and in my book, if a child continues to defy your authority, especially while serving a STRIKE, then the odds are that your child is a prime candidate for residential treatment. If you have to send your child to residential treatment, it doesn't mean that you have failed as a parent nor does it mean that FAMILY Rules has failed. This is the next logical step in the FAMILY Rules positive parenting system to help a troubled child receive the kind of intense treatment that they are obviously in need of receiving.
Question- We have just started this program and are excited about the changes that it will make in our family. I have a 14 year old daughter who has been the pressure cooker in the family. She has been kicked out of regular school and is now in a alternative school. She has been defiant and rebellious. She is now putting a great effort into good behavior. Our 13 year old son in general behaves, but also has a anger problem. Now that she is starting to behave he is starting to act out. Yesterday he got very angry about getting cards. He blew up grabbed a very large kitchen knife and proceeded to try to cut them. I went to take the knife from him and in the struggle to get it from him almost got myself cut. I automatically told him he had a strike, without talking with my husband first. Is this a strike or a bad hair day? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Answer- Thank you for your question. First of all, it's not unusual to have another child act out when the obvious problem child starts to mellow out. Usually, the cooperative child has been stuffing a lot of emotions in side for a long time. That's why I wrote the chapter about "Rats and Cockroaches" in my parenting book. You might want to reread this chapter. Anyway, I didn't receive enough information from you to answer your question with confidence. However, I'll try to answer your question this way: (1) If your child ended up complying with your authority and either went to his room and/or did his cards, then it was a "Bad Hair Day." On the other hand, if (2) your child continued to disobey your authority over a prolonged period of time in a willful manner, then that's most definitely a Strike. Last but not least, don't forget that you should never give out a Strike without first consulting with your spouse. This is a built in safety mechanism so no one parent can give out s Strike as an emotional knee jerk response. Keep on keeping on and let me know how things are going.
Questions about younger children:
Question- Is it okay to negotiate having the parent help the child when the job is too difficult for a younger child to do?
Answer- Yes. However, to avoid this problem, consider creating two separate decks of 50 good habit cards. One deck of 50 good habit cards can be used by the older children and adults. The other deck of 50 good habit cards can be used by the younger children. This second deck of good habit cards can consist of easier activities to do for the younger children. Finally, it’s okay to jump in the tub the first couple of times, with your kids, and teach them how to clean it. After the initial instruction, they will be on their own.
Question- With small children, is it wise to start the first few days with daily tokens and rewards before using good habit cards?
Answer- Yes! Let them taste the sweet before they taste the sour. The daily tokens, rewards, and RAK chips help the children to buy into the FAMILY Rules system. You can do this for up to one week. Then the good habit cards need to begin.
Question- When choosing the number of good habit cards, should age of the children be a factor?
Answer- No. The number of good habit cards should be predetermined by the parent(s) ahead of time and placed within the parenthesis, next to the numbered rules, on the family’s list of household rules. Keep in mind that you want to start off low (i.e., 1 to 3 cards) and work your way up from there. However, start with a large number of cards for the most important rules (i.e., Obey all local, state, federal, and military laws, etc.). Don’t forget, you can have two separate decks of good habit cards: one deck of 50 good habit cards for the older children and the adults and a different deck of 50 good habit cards for the younger children.
Question- What do you do with a young child who deliberately breaks the rules just to get another card?
Answer- Some young children have fun doing the good habit cards and like the attention they receive in the process. Don’t worry, the novelty of FAMILY Rules will wear off. They will stop. A positive alternative is to inform them that they can do chores around the home without breaking the rules. Offer them RAK chips for doing chores. Remind them that they lose their daily chip if they break the rules or do not complete their chores. Finally, as previously mentioned, if a child continues to break a certain rule on a continuous basis, then consult with your spouse and increase the number of good habit cards.
Question- Should the parent give a young child all 50 cards to do within a week if he continues to break the same rules repetitively?
Answer- Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt. If your child earns all 50 cards, then give them 50 cards. Let them experience the natural consequences of their choices. Don’t bail them out. Otherwise, you are enabling them to become a defiant monster. Remind them about strikes and pop-flies.
Question- Can you adjust the cards for the younger kids and one for the older kids?
Answer- Yes. You can have a deck of cards for the older kids and adults, as well as a deck of cards for the younger kids. FAMILY Rules is flexible.
Question- Is crying over a pulled card considered impolite?
Answer- No! Defiance and rudeness are impolite! Let the tears flow without consequences; however, absolutely do not allow your child to guilt trip you with their tears. Remember “the two ‘C’ words” -correct and consistent implementation.
Question- When I was a kid, there were some instances when it seemed like I just couldn’t help crying.
Answer- Me too!! I was a big cry baby sometimes. I still am at times. Don’t repress your child’s tears.
Question- When children are overly tired, should the parent show grace when they act out?
Answer- I don’t know about you, but I can be a grouch sometimes when I’m tired. Just ask my wife, Rochelle. However, being tired is no excuse for inappropriate behaviors. It’s okay to use your parental wisdom and bestow grace upon your children once in a while. Please be careful! Make sure you don’t bestow too much continual grace upon your children. You may end up teaching them that it’s okay to misbehave if they are tired. They need to get a grip on their emotions, even when they are tired.
Question- Is it okay to remind the kids about their chores or should we zip a lip so they practice responsibility?
Answer- A little bit of grace at first wouldn’t hurt, but only for the first week of implementation at the most. Then zip the lip so they learn responsibility.
Question- Hi There! I attended the FAMILY Rules Positive Parenting seminar. I am getting started this week. We are "practicing" with good habit cards this week. Well, my 5 year old would have done 18 cards so far. That's in 2 days. I don't see how this could work. Most of the family rules have a draw of 1 Good Habit Card if broken. Since I have only this one child and she is young, the Good Habit Cards are age appropriate and I think they will take about 15 minutes per card if she sticks to the task. So that means that she would have spent about four and one-half hours doing her cards. I suspect she would have thrown a tantrum rather then do that. Any suggestions? Medford, Oregon
Answer- For the sake of all others who may read this "Q&A" section, "Practice" involves giving the kids anywhere from 2 to 7 days to get used to the Family Rules by warning them (i.e., "That would have been so many cards for breaking the rule you just broke."). The idea behind the "PRACTICE" is that the kids will have an opportunity to get used to the parenting system and they will be without excuse when it comes to "official" implementation in the home. Now, concerning your five year old daughter. If you implement FAMILY Rules "Correctly and Consistently" in your home, it will work. So what if she does 18 cards and it takes her 4 1/2 hours. She will eventually get tired of doing so many cards and she will modify her behaviors so won't get as many in the future. Concerning the potential "tantrum" that she might engage in, you can't allow her misbehaviors to control you. Rather, you stick to your guns in spite of her hissy fits, tantrums, and manipulations. Also, don't forget to remind her that if she doesn't receive the cards politely, they will double each time she is rude and impolite. You need to nip this in the bud right now at this very young age or you'll pay the price for it when she hits her adolescent years. I appreciate your desire for "Correct and Consistent" implementation of FAMILY Rules in your home. Stick to your guns and ride this one out. Win this one for the Gipper. As a result, everyone will win in the end. Otherwise, have her come see me for therapy when she's an adolescent. Please let me know if you need additional direction.
Questions about older children/adolescents:
Question- If you have an 18-year-old, mature, compliant, and obedient teenager who is doing well before FAMILY Rules was implemented, should you make him adhere to the FAMILY Rules system, especially with two younger children in the home?
Answer- Your 18-year-old is an adult just like you. You are much older and hopefully were mature and compliant before FAMILY Rules was implemented in your home. Nevertheless, you are adhering to the FAMILY Rules system and so should your 18-year-old. When your children turn 18, they change to the status of a tenant. If the tenant doesn’t obey the landlord’s rules, the tenant is evicted. After the 18-year-old graduates from high school, he doesn’t receive daily tokens or RAK chips, but he does receive the good habit cards. Finally, if your 18-year-old is truly mature, compliant, and obedient, he or she won’t have any problems with adhering to the FAMILY Rules system just like you have to do. Otherwise, if there is a problem with adhering to the FAMILY Rules system, then I guess the teenager wasn’t so mature, compliant, and obedient after all.
Question- Is there danger in parents using their authority to challenge the wishes of a bright, respectful, and older adolescent, forcing him or her to obey them?
Answer- You are joking, right? Please reverse the question. Is there danger in allowing a bright, respectful, and older adolescent to disobey his or her parents? If this child is truly respectful, then this shouldn’t really be an issue. They will naturally obey.
Question- At what age should you allow children to pursue their own interests?
Answer- You should be helping your children pursue their own interests from the time they are knee high to a grasshopper. Allow them to explore new areas of interest throughout their years at home as long as it is legal, ethical, and moral. However, if their own interests are alcohol, drugs, sex, and gangs, you better put your foot down.
Question- Should you have different rules regarding telephone use for different children, depending on the child being compliant, having good grades, etc.?
Answer- As explained earlier in the book, FAMILY Rules is a skeletal framework of organization and structure. You get to slap the meat and skin on it to reflect your unique morals and values. No two families are the same. FAMILY Rules is flexible - not rigid. If you want to craft a family rule with your spouse that covers the above issue, go for it! You can word a rule anyway you want to as long as both parents are in agreement.
Question- Should you stop the FAMILY Rules system at the age of 18 even though the child is still in high school and living at home?
Answer- Earlier in the book, I talked about taking the medication until it is all gone. Please remember, the medication is not all gone until the last child turns 18, graduates from high school, and moves out of your home. At age 18, high school graduate or not, he or she becomes a tenant as well. If the child continually disobeys you, evict him or her from the premises! You can’t permit the 18-year-old to set a bad example for the young ones.
Question- We had an incident today where one of the kids left trash in the office. When I questioned each of my family members, each one replied that he or she did not leave the trash. Considering the lack of office use, that wrapper could have been sitting there for days and knowing my family, some-body probably really can’t remember. What should I do?
Answer- Give everybody a card or let it go? Let it go. Exercise grace and wisdom in this matter. If it were ketchup all over the kitchen floor and counters, you might want to turn up the heat — but not for one wrapper left a couple of days ago. Pick and choose your battles wisely.
Question- When a child is not acting correctly, has broken a rule, and wants to talk and explain or ask questions, do you allow the child to talk or make him or her wait until the weekly family meeting?
Answer- This is another opportunity for your use of parental wisdom, grace, and discretion. If your child is a defiant little brat who is simply engaged in disrespectful back talk, then make the child wait until after completing the good habit cards. If he or she doesn’t do the good habit cards politely, keep on doubling them until the child is polite, but don’t forget to give them a 5-minute cooling period in between the doubling of the cards. On the other hand, if your child is fairly mature and responsible and wouldn’t normally want to talk or explain his or her behavior, then you best give him or her your ear for a few minutes — not hours. You might possibly have made a mistake in judgment. Be fair, but don’t be an enabler of parental disrespect.
Question- This morning our 13 year old daughter threw a big tantrum over having to go to church. She made it perfectly clear that there was no way she would go. "I'M NOT GOING!!!!" etc. In the program, I know she would earn a good habit card(s), but we know that would have escalated the already miserable morning. From our past experience, we think she would have said, "I don't care" until she received all the cards. Would that be a strike or all 50 cards? Do we wait until she's cooled down to dole them out? We're starting the program as soon as I can get those index cards filled out! (By the way, she did go to church via our current methods). Rogue River, Oregon
Answer- Sorry to hear about the "big tantrum" because it is a sign of a rebellious/oppositional heart. Especially when we are talking about a 13 year old. Sounds like when she is "making it perfectly clear" that she thinks she's in charge and that she calls the shots in your home. Silly girl!!! You are correct, if you had a rule on your list about obeying parents or "do what you're asked to do immediately without complaining," she would most definitely receive one or more cards. You are also correct in stating that your "miserable morning" would have probably escalated. However, do you know why it would have escalated (i.e., Simply due to the fact that she thinks she's in control). Let's pretend for a moment that you are right and she would have said "I don't care" until she received all 50 cards. So what? If she wants 50 cards, give her 50 cards. She won't keep on doing it if you keep on giving her 50 cards every time she escalates out of control. She will eventually say, "I'm tired of continually getting all 50 cards. I better change my behaviors and attitudes or I'll continue to get all 50 cards because mom and dad are serious about this FAMILY Rules thing!" By the way, it would have been "all 50 cards" and not a "strike" because you didn't tell me about anything that sounded like a strike. Please remember that you give your child a 5 minute cooling down period between each doubling of the cards. Also, you are a cashier behind the counter conducting business. You don't allow yourself to get all emotionally charged up when the rudest customer is standing across the counter from you in the store. You simply conduct business. In the same way, when you are parenting, you keep your "angry" mouth closed and calmly conduct business (i.e., If you have an angry mouth). She just might stop before they double and double and double all the way to her getting all 50 cards. Also, please remember that a "strike" is when a child totally and whole heartedly defies your authority (i.e., refuses to take the cards and do the cards over an extended period of time). A "bad hair day" is not a "strike" and never give out a strike on your own. Always consult with your spouse (or an agreed upon mediator if you're a single parent) before you give your child a "strike." Please get those cards filled out soon and give her four to seven days of practice before you "officially" implement the FAMILY Rules system in your home (i.e., Let her receive her daily tokens and RAK chips but only give her warnings about what cards she would have obtained).
Questions about parental consequences:
Question- Can a parent be grounded?
Answer- Yes. If a parent breaks a family rule, then he or she is grounded until the good habit cards are completed. The parent needs to be working on the cards or sitting in the bedroom until ready to complete the cards.
Question- What happens if one parent requests a job to be done immediately that causes everyone else to break one or more rules, such as being on time?
Answer- If a parent pulls rank and places a demand on the family that causes them to break a rule, such as being on time, then they are off the hook. Otherwise, we have a pretty unfair and inconsistent parent at the helm who needs a reality check.
Question- Would it be a minor infraction to roll through a stop sign if you were going slow?
Answer- The law is the law. A policeman would give you a ticket for this offense except in New Jersey. In New Jersey, motorists speed down the side street and through the stop sign just to get in front of you. They don’t know what the word “stop” means in New Jersey. If your parents have a rule on the list about obeying all laws, then you will receive the number of good habit cards found in the parenthesis adjacent to the numbered rule. Parents receive cards too if they roll through stop signs.
Question- If a parent is grounded, does he or she get to take a long- distance phone call from mom?
Answer- No. The grounded parent should complete any good habit cards first or sit in the bedroom until he or she decides to complete the cards. No phone calls until the cards are done.
Question- Do parents have to go to long-term residential treatment?
Answer- No. Long-term residential treatment is only for children who disobey their parents over and over again. However, I have met many parents who wouldn’t mind being sent to long-term residential treatment.
Questions about two homes due to a divorce:
Question- What should or could we do to make the transition smoother if the FAMILY Rules system is already being done in my ex-spouse’s home for the child?
Answer- Great question! Unfortunately, divorces stink for everyone, especially the children. They end up being shuffled between two homes and receive mixed messages galore. This becomes really complicated when the ex-spouses are at war with one an-other. The children end up in the crossfire. Fortunately, I have worked with several ex-spouses who were willing to remain cordial with one another for the sake of their children. I have had plenty of blended families in my private practice setting and at my seminars who worked together to create a list of rules equally applied in both homes. As a result, the children are provided with much more consistency between the two homes and their transition becomes smoother. If you can attend counseling and avoid a divorce, please do it. If not, please work together with your ex-spouse to develop a list of FAMILY Rules that will be implemented in both homes.
Question- In a two-household situation, if maybe 30 of the cards are the same, can you take along those 30 cards to the other household?
Answer- Yes. Consistency between the two homes is a must for the sake of the children. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with your ex-spouse for the sake of your children, please do so. This way your children can’t divide and conquer.
Question- In a divorced (two-family) situation, could a child draw two cards at one home, and wind up going to the other home and draw 50 cards there, too?
Answer- If both parents are working together to maintain consistency between the two homes, then the answer to this question is yes. You simply take your 50 cards to the other parent’s home and work on them there or stay in your bedroom. However, if both parents are using the FAMILY Rules system but they aren’t working together to maintain consistency between the two homes, then the answer to this question is no. Unfortunately, you will have 50 cards to do at both homes.
Questions about single parents:
Question- Is FAMILY Rules just for married couples or can single parents implement it in their home too?
Answer- Forgive me. I know I keep talking in terms of couples. Yes. Single parents can implement FAMILY Rules in their home just as successfully as a married couple. Please assume that anything I write about married couples applies to you, too. However, since you don’t have a spouse to consult with, you might want to consider consulting with an adult who’s judgment you trust (i.e., a neighbor, family member, coworker, pastor, rabbi, milkman, etc.).
Question- I'm a single parent of a five year old. I'm already seeing things that discourage me. I heard about FAMILY Rules from a friend you are working with currently. I want to know if this is right for me and my child. We don't have any psychological trauma in our past. I just feel that I want to do what is right for my child and give her the best tools to grow to be a responsible young woman.I also am actively involved with Hannah's Home and Living Alternatives and I'm wondering if this is a program they should know about. Please let me know.J.C.Grants Pass, Oregon
Answer- FAMILY Rules is appropriate for kids who are in kindergarten through the 12th grade. However, there are times when preschool children are prepared to participate in the FAMILY Rules program due to their maturity and/or high intelligence level. By the way, you and/or your child(ren) don't have to psychological trauma in your background in order to implement FAMILY Rules in your home. FAMILY Rules is appropriate to implement with the most
A question about scheduling F.A.M.I.L.Y. seminars:
Question- How do I schedule a FAMILY Rules seminar in my community?
Answer- Contact me (“Dr. J.”) via the following phone number: 1-541-956-8585. You may also contact me by my e-mail address (drj@FAMILY-Rules.com). Finally, don’t forget to check out the FAMILY Rules website (www.FAMILY-Rules.com) to see if a FAMILY Rules seminar is already scheduled in your community.
A question about starting a F.A.M.I.L.Y. support group:
Question- How do I start a FAMILY Rules support group meeting in my community?
Answer- Contact me at my private practice phone number, e-mail address, or website listed above. Check out the website because we might have an already established FAMILY Rules support group in your community. If you want to start a support group, we will list it on the FAMILY Rules website.
Questions about "F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules Counselors”:
Question- We would like our therapist to become a “certified FAMILY Rules counselor.” How can this happen?
Answer- Have your counselor contact me at the FAMILY Rules, Inc. office number (1-541-956-8585), e-mail address (drj@FAMILY-Rules.com), or have the counselor check out my website (www.FAMILY-Rules.com).
Question- We are seeing a counselor and would like to implement FAMILY Rules in our home. What if our counselor advises us not to do so?
Answer- Your counselor knows your family situation better than I do. Please review chapters 4 through 7 with your counselor. If you have unresolved issues in your life, marriage, or family, you had better wait to implement FAMILY Rules in your home. However, this is America and you do have freedom of choice. If your counselor leans in the direction of democratic parenting, you can choose to see a new counselor that offers a different approach. This is your consumer right.

©2008 F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules, Inc. 

P.O. Box 1801, Grants Pass, OR, 97528 (541)956-8585